Dear New York Knicks Fans:
Today, December 22, 2006, marks a glorious occasion in the long, illustrious history of the New York Knicks:
The 3-Year Anniversary of My Decision to Hire Isiah Thomas !!!
A Cause For Celebration:
Since December 22, 2003, Isiah has shown me a lot of "evident progress":
- Zero Playoff Wins
- Unprecedented Salary Cap Mismanagement
- No Franchise Player and No Hope of Getting One
- Voted "General Manager of the Year" by Jerome James' Agent
- Voted "General Manager of the Decade" in Phoenix, San Antonio, Chicago, Toronto, and Orlando
Isiah's Crowning Achievement:
Isiah has accomplished a feat so remarkable that no one, not even Matt Millen, will ever be able to duplicate it:
Isiah Has The Most Expensive 96-150 (.390) Record in Pro Sports History!
When you add up the players' salaries, coaches' salaries, luxury taxes, attorneys' fees, and fines for instigating brawls, Isiah's "rebuilding" project will cost more than HALF A BILLION DOLLARS. I'm sure my Cablevision shareholders will be happy to learn that no one else has ever spent so much to achieve so little.
In celebration of all that Isiah has accomplished the 3 years that he's been here, I will be throwing an anniversary party in his honor, and YOU'RE INVITED!
Based on the recent home attendance figures, I know that there aren't many of you left. I also know that Isiah thinks you're dumb and blames you for the team's poor home record. But, for one night, let's think positive and Let's Party Like It's 1998-99.
For your viewing pleasure, Isiah and Larry Brown will box 3 rounds in the MSG Ring wearing inflatable gloves. The loser will be forced to admit that the Steve Francis Trade was his idea. And Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus will provide live entertainment featuring "Spontaneous" Nate Robinson.
For your listening pleasure, my band, "JD & The Straight Shot," will perform all of Isiah's favorite songs:
- "It's Still Layden's Fault"
- "Excuses Are My Best Friend"
- "Don't Blame Me--Blame Larry"
- "It's Crazy Enough That It Might Just Work"
- "There's No Salary Cap on The West Side of Chicago"
For our closing act, Isiah and Anucha Browne-Sanders will sing their favorite duet, "What, I Can't Get Any Love From You Today??"
There will be special guest appearances by all the members of Isiah's "Golden Parachute Gang": Don Chaney, Dick Helm, Lenny Wilkens, Shandon Anderson, Jerome Williams, Maurice Taylor, and Jalen Rose. And Larry Brown will signing autographs for a fee from inside his S.U.V. while stopped at a red light.
There will be a charity auction fundraiser. The items up for auction will include:
- Brooklyn Nets Season Tickets
- The Continental Basketball Association
- A "Scowl Towel" autographed by Stephon Marbury
- Tickets to the next three NBA Lottery Drafts in Secaucus, NJ
All fundraiser proceeds will go to my favorite charities: The Larry Brown Settlement Society and The Luxury Tax Foundation.
Anniversary Party Place:
The Atlantic Basement in the Eastern Conference Room at Madison Square Garden.
Anniversary Party Date/Time:
We have a home game tonight versus the Chicago Bulls. The Knicks fan who boos Isiah the loudest during the game will win a Bulls jersey autographed by Tyrus Thomas and Greg Oden. The party will begin as soon as Isiah warns Ben Gordon "not to go into the paint."
How to RSVP:
RSVP by clicking the "Comments" icon below. The first 100 Knicks fans to RSVP will win a replica of Nazr Mohammed's San Antonio Spurs Championship Ring.
RSVP before Isiah runs out of excuses. RSVP before Isiah completes his exit strategy. RSVP before the Commissioner invokes the "best interests of basketball" clause to have me declared mentally incompetent.
Only two press passes will be issued for the event, one to Al Trautwig and one to Spike Lee. I have ordered the Greenburgh Police Department to arrest any reporter who tries to crash the party.
When my daddy gave me a promotion and put me in charge of the family business, it was the 51st Greatest Moment at Madison Square Garden.
The Melee at the Mecca was the 52nd. Riley's Faxed Resignation was the 53rd. The Allan Houston Contract was the 54th. And Replacing Layden with Isiah was the 55th. As proof of his greatness, here is a December 2003 quote from Isiah, accurately predicting what his impact on the Knicks would be:
Is there any wonder then why "we need to keep Isiah"?
I urge you to forward this invitation to every Knicks fan you know. We should all be reminded of how blessed we've been to have Isiah with us.
In closing, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
James "Brain Dead" Dolan
PS June 1, 2007 we will celebrate an event that most Knicks fans thought would never come, the expiration of Allan Houston's and Shandon Anderson's contracts. If you're afraid this means we'll have salary cap room 6 months from now, don't worry. Isiah's only interested in helping other teams get under the salary cap.
PPS I have a confession to make. I didn't write this invitation. Isiah wrote it for me. Whenever I have to address the fans or the media, Isiah tells me exactly what to say so that I don't have to do any thinking. Braining hurts my think.