April 23, 2007

Dear New York Knicks Fans:

Our season has come to an end.  Unfortunately, it did not end as I had hoped it would.  I was really looking forward to seeing us get swept in the first round again, but this lofty goal of mine will have to wait another year.

Why We Didn't Make the Playoffs 

Isiah "said he believes the Knicks are the best 33-49 team ever assembled."  I'm not sure if that's accurate, but the Knicks are certainly the most expensive 33-49 team ever assembled. 

When I asked Isiah why we didn't make the playoffs, he blamed it on our injuries and on the Eastern Conference being too tough.  I have since asked Commissioner David Stern to move us to the easier Western Conference next season and to investigate why we were the only team in the NBA with injuries.

Rewarding Isiah 

I have also asked Commissioner David Stern to end all future NBA regular seasons on March 11th.  If this year's regular season had ended on March 11th, we would have made the playoffs.  That is why I rewarded Isiah with a multi-year extension on March 12th.  Some have argued that my decision was premature.  But I believe you can never reward greatness too early.  In keeping with this winning philosophy, I have decided that ...

THE TIME HAS COME TO RAISE ISIAH'S NUMBER TO THE RAFTERS !!!

An Invitation

On June 28, 2007, the same day the Chicago Bulls will use our lottery pick to draft a player better than Eddy Curry, we will retire Isiah's number.  And YOU'RE INVITED to the ceremony! 

Come be a witness to history, when the Pantheon of Knicks Legends gets its newest and most-deserving member, ISIAH THOMAS! 

Please Help Us Choose Isiah's Number

Isiah never played for the Knicks.  So we're not sure what number to put on the back of his Knicks jersey.  We have three options:

(a) .393, as in a ".393 winning percentage since December 22, 2003, the day Isiah began building our championship contender";

(b) 64, as in "64 games under .500 since December 22, 2003, the day Isiah began building our model franchise"; and

(c) 0, as in "0 playoff wins since December 22, 2003, the day Isiah began building our dynasty."

Please help us choose by voting in the Comments Section below.

A Moment of Silence

Before the ceremony begins, we will have a moment of silence to commemorate the deaths of The Scott Layden Excuse and The Larry Brown Excuse.  But don't feel bad for Isiah.  I can assure you he is already working on bigger and better excuses.  And he has promised to acquire more players with uninsurable heart and back conditions so that he'll always have The Injury Excuse.

The Ceremony

As a practical joke, we have asked Don Chaney to be our Master of Ceremony.  There's something ironic about Chaney, 72-112 (.391), having been fired by Isiah, 118-182 (.393), but I can't figure out what it is.

Seconds before the ceremony begins, Isiah will have MSG Security escort Don out of the building.  I'm cracking up just thinking about it!

Eddy Curry

Isiah's number would not be going up in the MSG rafters were it not for Eddy Curry.  In honor of Eddy's almost-an-All-Star-caliber season, we will present him with a gold-plated pedestal autographed by all of the 43 players who out-rebounded him this season.

Door Prizes

The Knicks fan who comes closest to guessing how much Isiah will spend this summer buying out Steve Francis and Jerome James will win tickets to next year's NBA Lottery in Secaucus, New Jersey.  And 10 randomly-selected Knicks fans will win a free misdiagnosis by the Knicks Medical Staff.

Dancing Contest

5 randomly-selected Knicks fans will get to compete against Isiah in a limbo dancing contest.  The Knicks fan who out-dances Isiah will win a full midlevel exception.  But I should warn you:

When it comes to lowering the bar at Madison Square Garden, no one does it better than Isiah.

How to RSVP

RSVP by clicking the "Comments" icon below.  The first 100 Knicks fans to RSVP will win free admission to a special Knicks camp, where Steve Francis and Nate Robinson will teach the fundamentals of "How to Behave When You're Being Blown Out" and "Big Mac Denial Defense."

RSVP Deadline

RSVP before Commissioner Stern invokes the "best interests of basketball" clause to have me declared mentally incompetent.

Closing Remarks

In closing, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"Fools are my theme, let satire be my song."

Yours truly,

James "Brain-Dead" Dolan

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Comments

[Bluemonk]

Can it be possible that this is the highlight to the second half of the season?

Nice work

[Shannon]

Isiah's number would not be going up in the MSG rafters were it not for Eddy Curry. In honor of Eddy's almost-an-All-Star-caliber season, we will present him with a gold-plated pedestal autographed by all of the 43 players who out-rebounded him this season.

Wow, that made me laugh so hard. Nice work. I feel your depression... and I'm not even a Knicks fan.

[Eddie]

Downright hilarious. Give Isiah a little credit though: He has rebuilt 4 teams now: Phoenix, Toronto, Chicago and Orlando..... too bad he did all that whilst on the Knicks payroll. You did forget to mention one other good door prize: 1 lucky fan selected will get to come to half court at halftime and have a donut eating contest vs. Eddy Curry. We need to ensure the big fella has a legit excuse NOT to rebound in the 2nd half.

[judy]

I enjoy listening you call in on the Jody MacDonald. I can hear the pain in your voice.

[Nets Fan New York]

This is classic. Finally good to see a Knicks fan unabashedly confess their hatred for Isiah ruining the Knicks franchise. I mean seriously - how does this guy get away with it? First time reader... looking forward to reading more stuff.

[Dave]

You should expand this into a website covering the Knicks and the rest of the NY teams. Some Cub fans started The Heckler(www.theheckler.com) that has grown to cover the rest of Chicago's teams.

what exactly were the knicks mad at the bulls about?

mad that they were exposed as $100 million losers who give up on a game in the third quarter? mad that they don't even have the pride to play hard? mad that the bulls won't let them coast?

i hate these lazy bums.

[THEQUICKERFIXERUPER]

Lets face it! As long the KNICKS have the same owner we will always fail! Lets find a way to trick him into making good decisions for the team.....hes so dumb....IT MIGHT WORK!!!

[Stephon Marbury]

How come I wasnt mentioned?

[Connor]

This just may be the best thing that has ever happened to the Knicks franchise.

[robotfrank]

Thanks, Mr. Dolan. Is MSG hiring? Because it doesn't look like you need to do very good work to get rewarded. I'll fax a resume, I'd like to apply for General Manager.

[yankee fan]

joe says,to his buddy Paul,do you care if it falls?
Paul replies, if what falls?
the empire!,joe says,
the Dolan empire.
Paul replies f--- it!
joe says yeah f--- it!

all I can say is screw cablevision Lets Go Direct T.V.

[sanrjo]

what can i say.right on the money.great stuff.dolan,please sell msg to anybody!

[lawrence chen]

5-STARS!

[islesfan]

You're my hero.

That was awesome.

[Falcon1]

This is great. Hilarious stuff here. My first time here, but not my last.

[Alex K.]

Good stuff, man...had me laughing the whole way through.

[t]

everything went down the drain well before isiah got there. we should have never traded ewing cuz we got all those fat contracts in return. we should have let the BEST KNICK EVER retire in ny and then go on from there. we've been wayyyyyy over the cap since that time. anyway, if we play it smart, we'll be under the cap in 2 years. JUST ABOUT 10 YEARS LOST....

[Don Paco]

That was really fucking funny. Genius man. Go Nets!

[jmoore]

Hells yeah! You nailed the anguish of being a Knicks fan these days.

[Kim]

This is hilarious!! Really made my day!

Keep up the good work.

Greetings from Sweden.

[Benny the Bull]

Thanks Isiah for once again helping your hometown Chicago.

You took away Eddy Curry from us and assured us a nice nice draft pick this year.

Kudos to you a true son of Chicago!

[Gremer]

Knicks fan since the Ewing era. in fact, it was the Knicks who made me love basketball. Starks-Oakley-Harper. Now those were real, tough cookies. Ever sinc that 99 Finals stint, everything is just getting topsyturvy for the Knicks. Now whenever ppl ask me what my two favorite teams are, i mention the Suns and.. well.. yeah.. i guess... New York. Boneheaded contracts & disillusions. Eddy Curry All-Star? Uh-uh. He doesn't deserve it one bit. No Defense. No rebounding. No heart. I hate it. I HATE IT! I HATTTEEEEEEEE IT!

[egg]

There's one thing that keeps my hopes up each night as I go to bed, thinking about all the horrible things in this world: This one thing is that Isiah is always right, and everyone else is wrong. Knowing his self-confidence rivals that of God himself helps me sleep soundly. Isiah, your unflappable arrogance is inspiring! Keep up the less-than-mediocre work!

[Mike]

So true... all of it. The Knicks fans who think SO highly of Curry and that he was snubbed come All Star weekend have a nice rude awakening when they check the stat sheet.